i’ve had this post in drafts for a long time. half a year at least. i held off, let it marinate, wanted to make sure my feelings wouldn’t change.
societally, i think we go about dating all wrong. people need to be self aware of who they are, what they stand for, and what, in their deepest heart of hearts, they want. and front load it. early. intense early.
anyway, here are my thoughts. i’ve got another post on intentional career paths and work/life balance in drafts, too, that i anticipate will be ready when i return to the work force in a couple months.
so i’ve got a new philosophy on dating.
i reflected on all of my past relationships. why did i fall for the people i did? why did the relationships not work?
and what i realized is that i (we?) do this dating thing all backward.
why: feel attracted to someone. go on a first date and learn their favorite cocktail. go on a second date and learn their favorite food. go on a third date and share a new experience… go on a sixth date and admit to catching feels. go on a seventh date and meet the best friends… go on a twentieth date and meet the parents…
and then end up, six months or six years later down the line, realizing you disagree on something fundamental that didn’t come up in conversation sooner? or, rewinding back a little, find out that your best friends and/or family hate the person you’ve been dating for weeks, months, years?
it’s setting yourself up for failure. you get attached to someone who is not the best fit.
why do it?
why focus on the little things – and date, and get attached – without first vetting a person objectively – and rigorously – to see if they’d make for an optimal partner?
it makes no. fucking. sense.
because then you find yourself in a difficult position. you need to make the hard decision of compromising or changing something you would not have wanted to in any other situation. making excuses for your partner to yourself. trying way too hard to make something work. staying with someone who isn’t the best match. or breaking heart(s).
so i’ve decided to do a social experiment.
i’m going to flip my script. i’m going to front load heavy topics.
on a first date, i will now absolutely ask: what relationship status you’re looking for – hookup or hopeful. if you want to raise your children with religion. your stance on politics. what your love languages are. how you approach finances. what your ambitions are. where you want to settle down.
in turn, i will tell you my flaws, all of the worst ones, and be completely, unapologetically myself. on a first date. fresh out the gates. if that doesn’t have you running, i’ll introduce you to my friends and family. early on. they need to be part of the vetting process. they know me better than i know myself, and if i choose you, they’re stuck with you.
moving forward, i want to be very intentional about this – front loading the important stuff. introducing the important people early.
crazy? just a little. hyper intense? absolutely.
will i scare people away? i hope so!! they’re the wrong ones.
and wishy washy answers? not going to cut it.
moving forward, there’s going to be a deadline. there will be expectations. i’ll read the situation. and if things aren’t working out, i’ll walk.
i’m getting too old for bullshit. honestly, any age is too old for bullshit. let’s all work together to eliminate some of it.
i’ve always believed that love can overcome almost anything. i still believe this.
if it’s the right person.
in the meantime – i’m going to be really fucking picky.